What do you value? I mean actually value? Not what you want to value or think you should value. But do you know what you actually place value on in your life? Said another way, what are your priorities?
We all have them, but few of us spend time acknowledging them. However, if we take the time to recognize what our values are, we can work toward making the best lives for ourselves that are in alliance with what is truly important to us.
Whether we realize it or not, our values dictate our decisions. Deciding between eating a pizza and going to the gym comes down to which do you value more, food or fitness? Deciding between going home for your brother’s graduation or going to the lake with friends is really a question of value between family and friends. Deciding between staying at a job you hate or leaving for something not-yet-known, is deciding between stability and uncertainty. Pizza, the gym, friends and family, stability, new adventures... all of these are good things and in many ways, neither choice would be the wrong choice. However, what we choose indicates what we value.
We often struggle with big life decisions in large part because we don’t know what our values are. Without values to guide us, we’re really playing darts in the dark. We’re aimlessly guessing at what decision will be best for us and hoping we don’t regret it later.
Making decisions is something that nearly everyone struggles with, including yours truly. I run through a pros/cons list before any all decisions. Whether it is deciding what to eat for lunch or whether to move to a different city for a new job, I evaluate every option meticulously. However, because I’m very intentional with knowing who I am and what I want out of life, this indecisive struggle doesn’t last long. And once I make a decision, that’s it. I’m committed. I don’t look back and wonder about what if I’d chosen something else. I trust that I made the right decision and that God will use this for my benefit and his glory.
This is where my value of faith is so prevalent. I 100% believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing God who intentionally orchestrates our lives. While he gives us permission to choose for ourselves what we want to do, he also already knows what the answer is and has seen the ensuing consequences or rewards of that decision. Then because I believe God loves me, I believe that whatever I choose is all part of God’s plan for my life. That’s why, when I make a decision, I stick with it, trusting that God is going to bless my choice so long as it complies with the teaching of his Word. We are but mere mortals and God is omnipotent. Well, God, who are we to think that we can mess up Your plans for our lives? We’re not that powerful.
A couple of years ago, I really started to decipher my core values and concisely identify them. I’ve settled on five that deeply impact me and greatly affect my decision-making.
Here we go:
Intentionality with relationships
Excellence in work
Pursuit of faith
Knowledge with purpose
Growing where planted
Now when I have to make a choice, especially big life choices, I know what standard I’m holding that decision to. Will moving across the country for a new job help my relationships or faith, or will it teach me something new and valuable? If the answer is no then my decision is no. If the answer is yes, then my decision is yes.
Of course it’s tricky when the answer is yes to some and no to others. It’s even trickier when the answer is unknown. However, it’s trickiest when you don’t even know the questions you should be asking yourself.
Now, these are my core values. They don’t have to be yours, nor should they. We are each different, unique individuals. And that’s why you cannot judge someone for their core values (unless you’re like a serial killer, then we need to talk). It’s okay if someone’s core value is making money. Money can buy a lot of things to make you happy and if you have a lifestyle that you want and willing to work for to afford, that’s okay! If your value is health and fitness, I completely understand if you don’t want to come out with me to get midnight pancakes at Waffle House. Only you can decide for yourself what is most important to you.
Now let’s talk about how your values can help build stronger relationships.
You know when you're single and you meet someone new or go on a first, and the two of you start talking and it just seems like they get you? I mean you had similar childhoods, you have similar interests, you both want a big family one day… And in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “where the heck have you been my whole life?” In the course of that conversation you’ve probably discovered very similar values. They don’t all have to be core values, but you’re getting to know what is important to this guy.
Then as the relationship progresses, two things can happen. Either one, your values come closer into alignment or two, they drift further a part. Let’s say you found out that you were both raised in the church. But when you started dating, you found out that his faith had shifted and he didn’t really live his life in alliance with biblical faith. You might think that’s okay, you’re just at different points of your “faith journey” but then he asks you for sex. And you’ve been very intentional with staying abstinent because you want to save that level of intimacy for your husband.
What your values are determines how this story is going to play out.
I’m not here to judge the outcome one way or another. But I do very much feel for the person who makes a decision without really recognizing why they made it.
I was a freshman in college the first time I saw a man’s penis. To give my back story, I was very much that good-girl church-goer who attended all the Sunday morning services, led Wednesday night youth group, spoke at “Love Waits” purity conferences, etc.
However, I had a challenging adjustment to college that left me lonely, insecure, and depressed. So when a boy started giving me attention, his opinion of me began to matter to me more than my desire to save myself for marriage.
During that season of my life, I forgot what my core values were and instead placed more importance on this boy’s opinion of me. That led me to do things that I still regret to this day, more than 10 years later.
We make a lot of allowances for who we were as teenagers, but what about who you are right now? In 10 years, will you have to apologize for who you are today?
Getting back to relationships.
Having similar but not necessarily exactly the same values as your partner is important. What is important, especially in marriage is to make sure that you have shared core values in addition to your individual values.
There will be decisions that you alone will have to make because it only pertains and affects you. However, there are lots of decisions that you and your significant other will have to make together. And if you’re not on the same page, that decision will be even more difficult than it already is.
There is a process to understanding what your shared core values are though. You both have to come up with your individual values first. If only one of you is aware of what is most important to them, it’ll be easier for that person to sway the other into decisions they might not have made on their own. However, when both of you are keenly aware of what you both hold most dear, you can figure out what means the most to both of you together as a couple.
Life is going to throw challenges and hurdles at you during every stage of your life and your relationship, so take the time now to prepare for how you’ll handle them.
Also realize that people change. Our values change. I’ll be honest and say that there was a season in my life when my faith was not a priority. Having kids and becoming a mother, definitely not on my radar yet. But things have changed for me over the years and they’ll change for you too. So keep checking in with yourself. Keep tabs on your values and what’s important to you. Decide if the decisions you’re making in your life are really what you want for your life or if you’re making a decision because it’s easier or everyone else is doing it.
Know who you are right now. Know what your core values are right now. Your 10 years older self will thank you for it.
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