Intentionality.
What does that word mean to you?
For some it’s probably a challenge, something to be more of. For others, maybe it’s a scary word that takes all the fun out of being spontaneous. And yes, many people have probably never once thought about intentionality period. But I’m going to say intentionality is something we all have whether we realize it or not. My challenge to you is to start thinking about intentionality so your intentions align with who you actually want to be.
For example, I’m a classic kitchen predator that stalks the fridge and pantry out of sheer boredom rather than any real hunger. In this frame of my mind, my subconscious intention is to relieve that boredom by eating something. Usually something sweet and chocolatey! This subconscious intention is so ingrained in me that I often mistake feeling bored with feeling hungry. Anyone else relate?
However, I’ve started working out regularly and paying attention to what I eat because I have a new, stronger, more deliberate intention to lose weight and get into shape. The problem is snacking is a habit. One that’s hard to combat. It takes extra effort to focus on my new intentions and skip the cupcake because we all know how good that cupcake looks!
The good news is that new intentions can change into new habits.
The key is catalyst, conviction, consistency and compassion.
Catalyst and Conviction
Catalyst and conviction go hand in hand. A catalyst is like the blood that energizes the change while conviction is the heart of why we want to change in the first place.
Both are good on their own, but together they’ll carry you further to your goal than if you relied on one without the other.
Let’s break the differences down with an example.
Everyone knows the importance of being healthy, but only 12.8% of Americans are actually considered metabolically healthy, which means they have ideal levels of blood sugar, triglycerides, high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, blood pressure and waist circumference. These factors are huge determiners of someone’s risk for heart disease, stroke and diabetes.
So simply knowing you should be healthier is not enough to make you healthy. Most people don’t start their health journey until after encountering a strong catalyst for change. That catalyst could be a diagnosis, a number on the scale, the death or illness of a loved one, or maybe the desire to impress someone else. The catalyst is the light bulb moment that tells you a change needs to be made.
But whether or not it needs to be made now or if that change can be put off for a few years depends on the strength of your conviction.
A diabetes diagnosis sucks. But it won’t motivate you to action unless you don’t want to die. The latter would be your conviction.
But why don’t you want to die? That’s an even stronger conviction.
Do you have loved ones you don’t want to leave or a goal you still want to achieve? Why? That takes the
conviction even further.
You have to dig deep into your soul to answer why a change matters to you. The deeper you go, the stronger your conviction.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has some really interesting statistics on people’s behaviors when it comes to trying to quit smoking. In 2015, 68% of adults smokers (roughly 22.7 million) said they wanted to quit smoking. They all probably had at some point a catalyst that told them they should probably stop using cigarettes and tobacco.
In 2018, more than half of adult cigarette smokers (55.1%) reported having made an attempt to quit smoking. Unfortunately, that same year only 7.5% of adult smokers (2.9 million) successfully quit smoking. And every year fewer than one in ten adult cigarette smokers succeed in quitting.
Why do you think that is?
I have a feeling it has a lot to do with a lack of conviction.
Combating a habit as addictive as smoking takes a strong, deep and intentional conviction.
Another study in 2014 looked at the motivations of smokers who have tried or are trying to quit smoking. The study found that there were six motivations for someone to quit. (1) A ban on smoking at home and at work due to other people’s wishes and rules, (2) the high cost of cigarettes, (3) the unpleasant smell, (4) health concern, (5) pregnancy and breastfeeding, and (6) a variety of other factors.
But all participants said that they needed the right motivation, or conviction to successfully quit.
What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Ask yourself why you want to do that or be that. Then keep asking yourself why until that ah-ha moment when you know you’ve stumbled across your deepest conviction.
And you know what? If answering why is hard or you don’t have an answer, chances are it’s not really something you want. It may just be time to move on to something else.
Consistency
Once you know your catalyst and have strong convictions, it’s time to build a good habit. Consistency is the difference between success and failure. Going back to our weight loss analogy, how close will you be to reaching your ideal weight if you keep cheating on your diet?
For me, it’s not enough that I go to the gym three times a week if I’m still wandering into the kitchen for a big bowl of ice cream everyday. It’s not enough to pack a salad for lunch but then swap it out for Big Mac just this once.
Just this once is where intentions go to die! Once you realize how easy it is to do something just this once, you start doing things just this once over and over and over again. Before you know it, you’ve had fast food four times a week! (Can you tell I’m speaking from experience?)
This is why consistency is so important. Consistency is the magic ingredient in the perfect intentions sauce. People intend to do all sorts of things, but it’s those who stick with something who achieve success. So don’t compromise. Don’t slack. Don’t waiver. If you say you’re going to do something, don’t break that promise.
Compassion
One of the best pieces of advice I often pass down to anyone who gives me a soapbox to stand on is a motto from a Bible Study I was a part of in college.
“Set the standard bar high and the grace bar even higher.” -Tara Leigh Cobble, Creator of D-Group and author of The Bible Recap
It’s a motto that encouraged us to keep at the rigorous reading and Bible memorization, but I’ve also just made it a mantra for my everyday life.
Each of us hold so many different positions in a day. For me, I’m a wife, journalist, co-worker, daughter, sister, friend and new-to-fitness-enthusiast. I want to be at the top of my game in every role, but I’m not perfect and I slip up… a lot. I want to be the best, most compassionate wife, but sometimes I pick fights with my husband over loading the dishwasher. I want to be a strong competitor at the gym, but some days I just can’t run as far as I did the day before.
This is where that grace bar comes in handy. Love yourself and give yourself credit for trying. You showed up at the gym. That’s a win in and of itself. You got into a fight with your husband, but you also quickly apologized and had an adult conversation about compromise. That deserves a pat on the back too. Yes, you cheated on your diet by going to Taco Bell, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely quit your diet altogether. If you forgive yourself, move on, and do better the next meal that deserves two thumbs up.
Giving ourselves compassion is what will keep us from completely loathing ourselves with every mistake we make. Because we will make mistakes. We’re messed up, fallible, sinful, gluttonous creatures who crave short term relief and immediate satisfaction.
Most of us have Microwave Mentality. It’s the kind of thinking that says something I can have right now with minimal effort is just as good as something that will take time and a lot of effort. But no one gave a Michelin star to Lean Cuisine, okay?
Here’s another quote I think you’ll do well to remember when it comes to giving yourself grace and compassion.
"Hold loosely to your goals and tightly to your intentions.” - Ed Catmull, Co-founder of Pixar and president of Walt Disney Animation Studios
I read Creativity, Inc. my first year of grad school 6 years ago and I still remember this quote. I had it written on a note card and hung on my photo board for years. As an active goal-setter this made my head spin because suddenly I felt like I had freedom to change my mind without feeling like a failure!
Whether it was choosing a career or a relationship or exercise plan, in college I was constantly losing interest. And every time I started to feel like something wasn’t right or something wasn’t for me, I agonized about quitting because it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to follow through on my commitments.
But with every change, I realized my intentions never wavered. Only my methods did. Career wise my intentions were always to graduate with a college degree. Over my four years of undergrad, my goals changed from being a theater major to studying communications. In relationships, my intention was to always end up marrying someone I loved, who loved me and who would be my best friend. Took a few boyfriends to come and go before I finally found what I’d been looking for in Sam.
And when it comes to being healthy, just like in college, I’m constantly experimenting with what works for me. Sometimes it’s a new diet. Sometimes it’s a new workout. But every time my intention is celebrate my body's strengths and abilities and treat it with love and respect. I hold tightly to that intention even when my goals might change from working out three times a week to drinking a smoothie for breakfast every day.
Putting It All Together
There are three parts in this secret sauce of intentionality.
Catalyst + Conviction = Strong Intentions
Strong Intentions + Consistency = Good Habits
Good Habits + Compassion = A Happier, Healthier Self
It’s a pattern that builds on itself. While each piece is good on its own, they’re stronger together.
I’ve had to use a catalyst, conviction, consistency and compassion on myself when it comes to intentional living while dealing with depression and anxiety.
The catalyst for me was being a month away from my wedding and still not feeling any excitement about marrying my best friend, seeing all my friends and family, trying on my wedding dress, arranging last minute details and so on. Not only did I not feel excited, I also didn’t feel nervous, stressed out or exhausted. I didn’t feel anything.
The conviction came shortly afterwards when I realized that I didn’t like feeling this way, that I didn’t want to live my life like this, that I didn’t want Sam to be stuck with this person I’d become for the rest of his life. Catalyst and conviction got me through the doors of my therapist’s office. They got me to a psychiatrist who was able to prescribe medication that helped.
However, those factors on their own wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am today without consistency. I had to consistently take my medication and show up for therapy in order to learn how to protect my mental health from external and internal forces that want to bring me down.
Even to this day, I intentionally give myself time and space to relax and take the pressure off myself. I intentionally avoid people who create negative energy around me. And I focus on my intentions to keep my emotions in check when I start to feel out of control.
I know who I want to be and that person is not a slave to her anxiety and depression.
But I get it. Being intentional with a new decision or routine is hard if it goes against a habit that is already ingrained in us. Whether it’s snacking when we’re bored or breaking down in a depression spiral when life is overwhelming, habits can go so deep it feels like that’s just who we are.
Let me just say, you are not your disease. However, you are what you do with your disease. Quitters quit. Fighters fight. You have choices to make every single day about the kind of person you’re going to be. You choose your own intentions. Don’t let your misplaced habits drag you away from the best version of yourself simply because you didn’t give them enough parameters to stay true to who you are.
And know that as you are working to create meaningful intentions in your life, I’m right there alongside you. For I believe we’re drawn together to create a life we love.
PS: I have a podcast episode on the topic of Intentionality. Check out the Three P's of Intentionality on The Drawn Podcast! My guest on this episode is Caitlyn Scaggs, author and creator of Boldly Pursue. She also wrote an on article on Intentional Play that I know you'll love!
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