I'm writing this from my desk in the guest bedroom of my home in Virginia. I’ve got a lukewarm cup of coffee next to me, a new Bath & Body Works candle burning in the corner, and Alexa is playing some really strange slow Bollywood kind of music even though I asked her to play “instrumental pop songs.” But I kind of like it.
I set the scene for you because this is not where I expected to be Saturday morning. This week at work has been insanely busy, but what got me through was thinking, “Just make it Friday and then you’ll be on your way home, hanging out with your family, eating Mom’s french toast in the morning.. It’ll all be okay.”
Me preparing for my trip before it was canceled.
And then I woke up Friday morning before work and Sam told me, “You can’t go to Washington.” I thought he was kidding. I told him that wasn’t funny. I rolled my eyes. I laughed. I said, “Yeah, sure. Okay. Nice try.” But he was serious.
Up until this point, the coronavirus has had little to no direct effect on my life. I was doing a lot of coronavirus related stories at the TV station and I was just as disappointed as the next person that I wouldn’t be able to fill out March Madness brackets. However, those were minor, easily moved past circumstances.
What isn’t so easy is having to cancel a trip home for the first time in four years to see family you haven’t seen in three months. A trip that’s been in the works for the better part of a year.
It sucks, but it also opened my eyes to everyone else’s disappointments that they might be feeling.
Take college students for example. Two weeks of spring break sounds kind of nice, but what if students can’t afford an extended vacation? Or what if they don’t have a good home life to return to? Or they live in the dorms and work a job in their college town to pay for school, but now they no longer have a place to live and they may have to quit their job? Or what about med, science, and engineering students, all those who require special labs and equipment to continue their studies? How are they supposed to complete their studies online?
Now let’s look at families whose kids are also no longer going to school. It’s not so bad for families with teenagers who can stay home alone or families who have large support systems where their kids can have a place to go while both parents work. But what about single parents who work full time who have elementary aged kids and no family nearby to watch them while mom/dad is at work? What about families who rely on the school system to provide their kids’ with the only meal they might get that day? What about kids whose only escape from their crappy drug-addicted family is school?
What about people who are being let go because the company they work for is reducing its staff to “essential personnel only” and can’t afford to give PTO to everyone?
What about families who aren’t allowed to visit their grandparents in nursing homes or hospitals? What about families who are losing loved ones to a disease with no cure?
What about people whose jobs depend on events like arena workers? Now that concerts and sporting events have all been cancelled, what are they supposed to do?
And though we don’t like to think about celebrity rockstars and NBA players being affected by this because “Oh well they’re rich. They'll be fine. So what if they can’t play a stupid game of basketball?” But most of them have worked their whole lives for this opportunity. Not everyone is a millionaire like Lebron James who lives off of endorsements. Many of them are so new to the industry that this one season or one concert or one movie honestly could be their only chance to make a name for themselves. Let’s be a little more gracious, people.
So here I am, 680 words into this article and I’ve only scratched the surface of the effects the coronavirus has on our way and quality of life.
The CDC has put out a list of coronavirus symptoms: Fever, cough, shortness of breath. So far over 160,000 people have been infected and more than 6,000 have died. (You can follow live stats of the coronavirus here. ) In the United States, there have been about 50 or so reported deaths out of 2,000+ reported cases. I know, I know. You conspiracy theorists have your own numbers and you political junkies have yours to one side look better or worse. Please don’t belabor the semantics of exact numbers. We can all agree that it’s a lot, it’s growing, and yes, you’re still more likely to die in a car accident than from the coronavirus.
Regardless, the coronavirus has been called a pandemic by the World Health Organization and as of right now, there’s no exact cure or vaccine.
But you know all of that, don’t you.
What you may not know is that there are three highly contagious symptoms of the virus that you may experience without ever having coming in contact with the disease.
Disappointment
Discouragement
Disconnection
I have felt the pain of each of these symptoms in just the last 24 hours alone and it’s going to get worse before it gets better.
There are a lot of disappointed people in the world right now. Yours truly is one of them.
One of my friends is disappointed her trips to New York and Las Vegas in the coming weeks have both been canceled and she’s not getting a refund on any of her flight or hotel money. Another friend is a senior in college and is disappointed she’s not able to finish out the year with her classmates. One friend’s husband is a freelance sports broadcaster and she’s disappointed that because nearly all the sports have been canceled, he’s losing out on jobs and money. A waitress at Denny’s yesterday told me she’s disappointed because her son’s middle school is closing and she has no one to watch him while she’s at work. And I can’t tell you the number of disappointed people I’ve seen on social media who really need toilet paper but can’t find any!
Disappointments, big and small, hurt. One of the best books I’ve ever read on the subject is Lysa TerKeurst’s It’s Not Supposed to be This Way. The tagline is, “Finding unexpected strength when disappointment leaves you shattered.” If that doesn’t describe the state of the world right now, I don’t know what does.
I wish I could just plagiarize the entire book and write down every chapter verbatim for you to read right here, right now. But I’ll simply give you the link to click on to order it as soon as you finish reading my blog post. You're welcome.
But I do want to give you a little nugget into the book’s premise. This comes from the introduction so it contains no spoilers.
“Humans are very attached to outcomes. We praise God when our normal looks like what we thought it would. We question God when it doesn’t. And we walk away from Him when we have a sinking suspicion that God is the one who set fire to the hope that was holding us together.”
Talk about a dagger to the heart. She continues.
“We cannot control our outcomes. We cannot formulate how the promises of God will actually take shape. And we will never be able to demand any of the healing from all of the hurt to hurry up.”
Disappointment is a dangerous symptom of a broken heart. We’ll look for ways to ease or erase that feeling, but most of the time our cures act more like placebos. TerKeurst wrote, “Dangerous desires birthed inside our unsettled disappointments are nothing but a set up for a take down. A quick rise to a hard fall.”
Disappointment itself is not so much the problem, but it’s what unchecked disappointment breeds that can be our downfall. Anger, depression, self-pity, and apathy. These are some of the side effects of disappointment.
When my family had to tell me not to come home this weekend, I was disappointed. Factually speaking, it was a disappointing situation that anyone would agree is okay to feel disappointed toward. What’s not okay is using your disappointment as an excuse for bad behavior.
Examples:
I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to Mexico so I have a right to get pissed off about my coworkers.
I’m disappointed March Madness is canceled so I’m going take to social media and rant about how stupid everyone is.
I’m disappointed I was let go from my job so I’m going to drink all night, sleep with whomever I want, and say whatever I feel.
I’m disappointed the doctor told me there’s no cure for my grandmother and that she’ll die soon so I’m never going to care about anything ever again because the world and everyone in it will just hurt me if I do.
We don’t always think of disappointment as being at the root of a lot of our poor decision making, but if we pull the layers back, that’s exactly what I think we’ll find triggers a lot of our reckless behavior. And with today’s current events, the pandemic of the coronavirus is on the verge of creating an epidemic of disappointment.
It’s also sparking discouragement around the world.
From the dad who doesn’t know how he’ll provide for his family after being let go from his job to the college senior athlete who won’t ever get to play for his school again, a lot of people want to know what the point of all of this is and what all that hard work was actually for.
Discouragement is disappointment’s practically inseparable cousin. You rarely get one without the other. Together they cause mayhem. They incite fear, outrage, indifference, desperation, and slew of other ill wills.
Discouragement can stop innovation, creativity, and progress. It can destroy confidence and spawn depression. Discouragement also increases people’s anxiety because it puts a shroud over the future they’d been working towards and they can no longer see a positive outcome.
When we’re discouraged we often ask ourselves, why did this happen? What am I going to do now? How will things ever be right again?
And sometimes we try to answer those questions, but discouragement has a way of clouding our vision so that we end up just lying to ourselves.
Q: Why did this happen? A: Because the world/God hates me and wants me to fail.
Q: What am I going to do now? A: Quit. There’s no point in even trying if everything is beyond my control anyways.
Q: How will things ever be right again? A: It won’t. I worked so hard and did the best I could and this is all I have to show for it. I’m not going to get caught believing it will all work out for good because I know now it won’t.
I’m guilty of thinking each of these questions and giving myself each of these answers. You are too.
The final critical symptom of coronavirus that no one is acknowledging is disconnection. Excuse me… I mean “social-distancing.”
Look, I get the need to stay vigilant about who you come in contact with and maintain high standards of personal hygiene. I understand why crowded events are being canceled and why health officials are warning us to avoid physical contact with people.
BUT… and this is a very big BUT… we also need to be aware of the adverse effects this could have on us if we try to keep it up long term. I’m not even taking an educated guess in the dark when I say this. Social distancing will harm society if it’s not done with caution and exceptions.
I know this is true because people around the world have been social-distancing themselves for years. We’ve heard the cliche over and over again. Millennials and Gen X’ers are the most connected generations in the world and yet they’re the most likely to feel disconnected, alone, and unloved.
We have social media that is rarely anything but social. We have over 1,000 friends on Facebook but have no one to turn to when we have an emergency. We find it more important to have followers on Instagram than friends in real life. We care more about our “like count” than liking the people around us. We’d rather criticize in private than compliment in public. Why go out to eat with strangers when food from any restaurant you want can be delivered to your doorstep? Movie theaters? Malls? Museums? We can see all, shop all, and experience all with a few clicks.
For all our modern day conveniences we are constantly treating people like an inconvenience.
Our disconnection to the world around us is increasing psychological distress, depression, and suicidal thoughts and actions.
Dr. Jean Twenge, author of the book iGen, analyzed data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. They found that major depression rates in adolescents increased 52% from 2005 to 2017 and increased 63% in young adults (18 to 25 years old) from 2009 to 2017. Suicidal thoughts and outcomes from the latter demographic also increased 47% from 2008 to 2017.
Do you know when MySpace, one of the first major social networking sites, came out? 2003. YouTube was created in 2005. Twitter launched and Facebook became open to everyone 13 and older in 2006. The first iPhone came out in 2007.
Instagram was introduced to the world in 2010 and reached 1 billion users in 2017. Facebook reached 1 billion users in 2012. It now tops 2 billion daily users, same as YouTube.
It’s not hard to see the paralleling dates between Dr. Twenge’s depression research and the creation and expansion of our main social media platforms. Her study ended in 2017, but I don’t think the increase in other social and dating apps like like Snapchat, TikTok, tumblr, Pinterest, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match.com, eHarmony, Grindr, Christian Mingle, and OkCupid, has helped those numbers go down.
All these websites and apps were created to connect us to others, to make the world smaller. And yet societies feel more disconnected and isolated than ever.
Now with the coronavirus preventing people from returning to school, going back to work, hanging out with friends and family, gathering with like minded people, taking vacations, going to the gym, and enjoying public entertainment, I believe suicide and depression will soon increase.
That’s a lot of really bad news I just dumped on you, right? I’m sorry about that, but someone had to do it! Like that say in AA, admitting there’s a problem is the first step in overcoming the problem.
So if our current problems surrounding the coronavirus are disappointment, discouragement, and disconnection, is there a cure? Unfortunately no, but there is symptom treatment. I call them the ABC’s of depression management: admit, believe, create.
Admit your feelings. Believe there's hope. Create the opportunities.
Life can be disappointing and discouraging at times. No doubt about it. I was both disappointed and discouraged when I found out I couldn’t visit my family this weekend. These are rational, normal, and understandable feelings when life changes in a way that you weren’t expecting. So there’s no point in stuffing those feelings down, trying to pretend they don’t exist. Admitting how you feel acknowledges that you’re human and gives you permission to let your walls down. It’s very freeing.
What’s not freeing is when you start to overindulge in the disappointment and discouragement. When your instinctive reactions start to dictate your prominent actions, you’re no longer thinking or behaving rationally in your present state of mind. You need to flip the switch. After you admit how you feel, you need to believe there’s hope that those feelings or this present situation will not last forever. You need to believe the cliches about the lights at the end of tunnels, silver linings in storm clouds, and gold at the end of rainbows. You need to believe that what you’re going through won’t last forever. And as impossibly hard as it might seem, you also need to believe that whatever it is you’re dealing with, there’s a positive purpose behind your pain.
The final treatment is to create opportunities. This remedy is specifically designed for feelings of disconnection. Too often we passively go through life waiting for opportunities of fun, adventure, and self-care to present itself to us. We wait for people to invite us to hang out. We wait for work to give us our next exciting assignment. We wait for our next relationship to feel loved. We wait for the ping on our phone to tell us that our Instagram contributions to society have been noticed by @park3eddie4cars. (Name is totally made up. Don’t go searching for it!)
And while we’re waiting, we’re missing out. While we’re missing out, depression is rearing its ugly head. When you start to feel the loneliness of isolation and disconnection, instead of waiting, start creating. Create the opportunity you need to start looking forward to the future.
Maybe you need to take the first step and invite a coworker to go to the nail salon with you. Maybe you could join a book club or create a book club. Maybe you could come up with a craft project and invite a friend to experiment with unconventional uses of all of the toilet paper you bought when you heard there was going to be a shortage.
There are enough people in the world to find someone to connect with. And guess what? Despite what may have sounded like a “social media is killing society” rant, social media is actually still very good at connecting people! You just have to eventually take the friendship off social media and interact face to face every once in a while.
Now here’s the key to not getting caught in a never ending spiral. If you step outside of your comfort zone, create an opportunity to hang out with someone, and they say, “no thank you,” or “I wish I could, but I can’t today,” do not be discouraged! You can be (temporarily) disappointed, but don’t let your first chance to initiate a friendship become a one-and-done attempt. Don’t let your second, third, fourth, and umpteenth chance prevent you trying again either.
We’re probably only at the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic. And while scientists and doctors work to cure our physical symptoms, government leaders are working to solve our economic problems, and Kroger is just trying to keep people’s tushies clean, it’s up to us as a society to protect the emotional health of the members in our communities.
Long after the coronavirus is a footnote in the history books, the psychological effects of this season will still be felt. We need connection now more than ever. We need encouraging conversations and positive opportunities to look forward to. We need to remember the last crisis (whether global or personal) we experienced and recognize our ability to be resilient.
So even if you can’t hug your neighbor, you can still call them. Even if you can’t go into work, you can still work hard to help your team. Even if you can’t find toilet paper, you can still buy baby wipes. (Trust me. Those are still on the grocery store shelves.)
The three major symptoms of coronavirus that no one is talking about, don’t have to be the three things that destroy us. We have the opportunity to change how history remembers this crisis. It doesn’t have to be about stock numbers dropping or Disney World closing down for the first time since 9/11. History can remember us for being a united country that faced a pandemic and turned it into a tidal wave of social justice reform and mental health revolution.
Let’s make a little history.
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