Let me try to make one thing clear....
Did you get that? I'll say it again. Depression is not a one-diagnosis-fits-all disease.
In fact, both depression and anxiety can look so completely different person to person that if we don’t broaden our perspective of those two, we can 1) miss the signs that someone is suffering or 2) be insensitively judgmental of what people are experiencing.
For anyone without anxiety or depression, it can be hard to sympathize. We’ve not lived in a world where grace is bestowed on mental illness for very long and so there are a lot of old school reactions to how mental illness should be handled.
“Suck it up.”
“Rub some dirt in it.”
“Just stop being sad all the time.”
“Trust God more.”
“You don’t look depressed.”
Have you ever been told one of these? It can be disarming to hear, even from those with good intentions.
I’ve written a lot about what mental illness has looked like on me and how it’s affected my life. But I am only one story. My perspective is limited to my experience. I can talk all day about all the different ways depression might feel like to someone else, but that’s not nearly as impactful as hearing directly from people who deal with mental health issues.
So I’ve gathered fifty of my friends, and even some strangers, to answer the question:
“What does depression and/or anxiety feel like to you?”
I gave no guidelines, no limits. Some people answered in a sentence, others answered in several paragraphs. Some only described the illness while others told more of their back story for context. I only edited for grammar and left each answer as it was sent to me. I really wanted my job here not to be focused so much on telling people’s stories, but instead giving them a platform to tell their own.
Everyone is different ages, genders, walks of life, religions and careers. Not everyone has been actually diagnosed with anxiety or depression, but they've all experienced these struggles on one level or another.
These are their stories: *cue Law and Order gavel*
1. Rachel Depression feels like exhaustion and failure to me. I get caught in a cycle of procrastinating simple things, shaming myself for being so incompetent and becoming even more depressed. I usually recognize I’m fighting depression again when I realize I’m thinking of myself as a lazy, irresponsible, incompetent and selfish person. None of those things are true, but they feel very true in the moment. When I believe those things about myself, it’s hard to work up the courage to face the day or engage with those around me.
2. Leah To me anxiety and depression feels like having to fight to be present and enjoy life. Anxiety means constantly being worried about to-do lists or past mistakes. It is the complete obsession with the "what-ifs" and the "worst case scenarios." What might happen in the future? Anxiety makes you feel like you are reliving your worst memories. It makes your imagination trick your body into activating all your stress responses. You physically experience terrible things that haven’t even happened. Then depression and exhaustion sap away the desire to get today’s tasks done at all. Depression keeps you from feeling happy when you know you should. Sometimes, you don’t feel anything at all. Together, anxiety and depression team-up to overload your mind with guilt, loneliness, isolation and the overwhelming desire to change things that can’t be changed. Maybe worst of all, anxiety and depression make you feel utterly trapped in your own mind.
3. Ann Overwhelming, suffocating, like everyone is against me, that what could go wrong is going to [go wrong].
4. Leanna I get chest pain actually when I’m experiencing anxiety! SUPER FUN
5. Ashley Feeling glued to the couch, physical pain if I try to move/be productive. Having no motivation to do the simplest chore like loading the dishwasher or making my bed.
6. Kareem This is an extremely important question because there are indeed so many different shades of anxiety and depression. I have been fortunate enough to never experience the debilitating anxious or depressive attacks that some people battle. For most of my life, I would brush off my worries or sad thoughts and chalk them up to a bad day. I stayed away from therapy until I was 28 years old because I saw it as a last resort for those suffering with the big bad textbook disorders. This stigma was even reinforced by the licensed therapist that I finally built up the courage to see. After just four sessions I was told, “you’re so normal, I see people in here every day that contemplate suicide.” To this day, that remains my last session, not just with that therapist but with any. In some strange way I think it was meant to help ease my mind by pointing out that I was “normal.” But it had the opposite effect. By dismissing your struggles it makes you feel abnormal; leading to internalized questions about why you’re feeling so down on a seemingly great day, or why you’re worrying so much when everything seems to be going according to plan. But I’ve had to learn that just because my battles are smaller doesn’t mean they’re not worth fighting. Instead of questioning myself, I now question my battles. When a sad thought or worry pops up, I give careful attention to it and decide whether it is in my control to ease or not. By acknowledging my smaller battles, I’ve been able to fight them when they arise instead of allowing them to overwhelm me by dismissing them. I still sometimes wonder if I am the only person who internally fights battles in my brain everyday, but the more we expose the vastly different shades of anxiety and depression, the less alone people will feel in their fight.
7. Mary Sometimes it feels like I’m falling into a hole that I can’t climb out of.
8. Jess At its worst, anxiety makes me feel like I may blackout, like I’m not in control of my body. Scary.
9. Allegra Joy Matula* How can I describe this to you? It starts in my chest, like a hardened shell covering the left side of my heart, made of all things unpleasant. The shell can block as well as the best goalie. It is a hand that can squeeze, stretch, and retract as it sees fit. How can I describe this to you? Sometimes, like tendrils it reaches up through my throat and into my brain, slicing through thoughts and emotions, portraying good as bad and bad as worse. It drives me to painful recollections as though that is what I want, though it is never what I want. It tells me what flavors to taste in my mouth and which memories to ruminate on. It keeps me from sleep. I lie not in wakefulness but in fear, Waiting for a dawn that never comes. How can I describe this to you? Like roots it travels down to my stomach, reaching for fuel to harden the shell which covers the left side of my heart. There, in my core, as shovels, it digs and churns, not to encourage growth but instill illness. I am made sick by my own self. How can I describe this to you? You cannot see it, but it is all too real to me. It is anxiety. It is insomnia. It is a companion and a shadow, a friend and an enemy. It is part of me.
*full name given for full artist credit
10. Savannah It's a really heavy feeling of sadness and overthinking every single thing.
11. Esther Depression feels like physical exhaustion. Anxiety causes a fight or flight response. I either feel the need to hide from other people until the “danger” passes or, if I’m backed into a corner, anxiety comes out in anger as a fight response.
12. Emma I have been in a long-term relationship with anxiety, and it is all over the place. It can be completely crippling at times and other times, barely noticeable. Sometimes it can make me feel completely helpless and out of control of my body. Physically, it makes me feel like I can’t swallow or breathe, and sometimes it makes me nauseous. I lose all feeling in my arms or hands and the core of my body won’t stop shaking. This is of course the extreme version of my anxiety. It comes in many different combinations of those symptoms and as often as a few times a day. I could literally just be sitting watching TV and a wave hits me. Sometimes I can pin-point why. Other times it's a mystery. Anxiety used to stop me from doing a lot of things. From hanging out with a group of close friends to going on a date to giving a presentation to a large group. I have been fortunate enough to learn how to overcome my anxiety and push myself to do those things, but this doesn’t mean I never feel anxious about activities now. It just means that I am able to remind myself how good it feels when I overcome my fears and that I can do it again. I still get anxious every goddamn day of my life and sometimes for the most random things. I would say social anxiety is my biggest issue. I have had very supportive people in my life who have pushed me to overcome these fears and that is a big part of why I can be brave and confront my anxiety head on now. Depression is a different story for me. I don’t fully understand my depression yet. Sometimes I think I have bipolar depression just because of how quickly I can jump from happy to sad to happy again with no warning or reason. When I’m hit with a wave of depression, it’s crippling. I literally feel my body’s weight drop and I feel like I can barely hold up my head or body. It has caused me to be late to events and work countless times because I am unable to get out of bed. Nothing during that time can convince me or give me a good reason to get out of bed. It makes me feel completely alone. Ironically because of that, I pull away from friends, family and coworkers. I cancel on people, events even just going outside, which makes me feel even more alone. I logically know that these things might help me feel better, but I am powerless to my depression. I can literally feel a blackness washing over my head and eyes. I almost feel myself shrinking in the room. It’s pretty surreal. And it makes me cry. I am not angry when I’m depressed, just completely and utterly sad. I get even more sad when my partner tries to help because I can't tell him why I feel this way. I understand it came out of nowhere for him, but it did that to me too. Then I get pulled into an even deeper depression because I can't help him understand. Depression is a wait-it-out scenario for me at the moment.
13. Kevin Like a deep hole in my chest.
14. Maeve Anxiety to me feels like I’m always choosing the wrong decision, that no matter what I do, it won’t feel right. My anxiety makes me feel irritable and mad because I can’t control it even though it’s something I experience.
15. Ben "It’s difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.” - Arthur Schopenhauer For me, I experience feelings of depression when I allow the relationship I have with myself to deteriorate, breaking the promises I make to myself over and over - widening the moat between what I know I’m capable of doing, who I’m capable of being and the lesser version of myself I’m bringing to the world that day, week or month. It’s unique because I can experience extreme joy in my relationships, laugh at a joke or two, etc., but the default setting I experience is woven from the fabric of loneliness, doubt, and indifference. Seeded beneath those feelings, though, is the war that wages between my ears - the one I lay down with, walk around with and wake up with. This is the voice of that “best” version of myself reminding me what I am capable of, what I should be doing and how wide that moat I mentioned earlier is at any particular second of the day. The only way for me to regain ground in that war is not accepting where I’m currently at or justifying it; but rather, to keep promises to myself, do difficult and challenging things to gain confidence in myself and show myself I’m capable of keeping the promises I make. That is the only way - the freeing part is that I have control over it.
16. Catey Anxiety to me feels like I’m drowning and no one can tell. Like I’m falling into an abyss and there’s no way out, even though I’m grasping for anything to hold on to. And depression feels like I’m watching my life in slow motion, but I’m not fully participating. I also think that for me both of them are like, I want to change and get better, but it’s comfortable to be where I am. So change seems extra hard.
17. Samantha I choose joy. I always want to choose joy, but that isn’t always the case. Depression and anxiety chooses me. I did not ask for them. I did not choose them. Yet, here I am smiling with depression and anxiety. I cannot tell you how long I have had depression and anxiety. Smiling, laughing, building and cultivating relationships was what everyone saw. It's what I wanted everyone to see. Everyone saw me holding down a great job as a Community Relations Coordinator. Everyone saw me active in social engagements. Everyone saw me as a great wife and mother. Everyone came to me for encouragement and motivation during their low times, even when I was probably at my lowest. What everyone didn’t see were the tears streaming down my face in the shower because no one could hear or see me there. What everyone didn’t see was the anxiety and fatigue I felt when I had to be in large groups, both professionally and personally. What everyone didn’t see was the struggle to get out of bed in the morning because of my sleepless nights. There came a breaking point where I just knew this wasn’t life. But, what do I do and where do I go? I felt guilty for feeling what I was feeling. I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond measure. I am happily married. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I come from a healthy and loving family. I have a great job. I have great friends. I shouldn’t feel this way... but I do feel this way. Because of a dear friend of mine that spoke openly about her mental health journey, unknowingly to her, I started to take note of her experiences and steps towards taking care of herself. Therapy was my first appointment. This is where I first heard the word depression. And after talking with my therapist, it totally made sense! It was like I was seeing my life through a different lens and a weight had been taken off my shoulders! Scheduling an appointment with my primary care physician (PCP) was my second step. All I remember from this appointment was crying the entire time. This was probably the first time I had said my most intimate and deep thoughts about what I was feeling out loud and boy, did it feel good! It was a safe place. A place I felt no judgement, no embarrassment and no guilt for saying what I was feeling. Antidepressants were and still are the third step on my mental health journey. Through trial and error, my PCP and I found the right brand and correct dosage to help reduce my symptoms of depression and relieve my anxiety. This is my mental health journey. I call it a journey because I know it’s ever evolving and changing. This journey will never come to an end and I am okay with that because I choose joy. I am still smiling with depression and anxiety.
18. Katie Having depression is isolating more than anything else. It gets in your head and makes you think that no one else understands. It discourages you from reaching out to the people who love and care about you. When in reality, those people are waiting with open arms to help. Posting about my struggles with mental health on social media lately made me realize how many people I have in my corner. I tend to forget that. It also released some of its power over me. I always felt like I was keeping an ugly secret, but now I’m like, ‘Yep. That’s a part of me and that’s okay.’ When I first started going to therapy seven years ago, I had no idea that other people struggled with stuff like this. It would have really helped me out!
19. LaQ’isha* Worrying that others secretly find me annoying and only socialize with me as a courtesy, as opposed to genuinely wanting me around. Also (and this is weirdly specific, but I had this thought literally this morning) that in my attempt to relate to someone else’s experience by sharing my own, it instead comes across as me trying to make the conversation about myself. Lump that into my ongoing thoughts like,"I shouldn’t have said that. What did they think about me saying that? I hope it came across the way I meant for it to.” All. The. Time.
*name made up for anonymity
20. Krystal Dark, alone, frozen. Triggers: Being overwhelmed. When too many big things happen or build up. Having a toddler, who is still very little, needing me; a newborn who needs me all the time; a job that was going away; a husband that had to go to work a lot sooner than after the first child; and trying to plan for the future. It was all so much. I felt like I was under a dark, deep cloud. I did what I needed to do and let the TV entertain the baby while I was on my phone drowning out the day. I was brave and finally said something was up, but I was five months postpartum or something so a little late. Found out I had low thyroid levels. I'm on those meds now. After a few weeks, I was out of the fog. And each day I feel more like myself. But when things feel too much, I feel like shutting down and freezing under the dark cloud. While in the darkness, I struggled with my identity a lot. I felt like a shell of a person and didn’t know what I enjoyed or what to do with myself. It was hard to share what I was dealing with after my second [child]. I would have okay days, but I played those up more than the bad days. I did ask for prayers, but I don't think I shared the full truth. Partly because I didn't want to admit I had PPD and partly because it was so hard to explain without feeling like I was whining or complaining or that I wasn't listening when people gave advice. I really wanted someone to see my hurt and take my hand to the doctor and help say what my jumbled head couldn't, but no one did. I had to speak. That's really hard when words are so far away.
21. Melissa I have bad anxiety and never feel settled.
22. Rachel To me depression and anxiety feel like an all-powerful and overwhelming feeling of dread. Like I have a weight on my shoulders that will not go away. No matter how much I cry or scream, it’s still there. The weight comes and goes, some days are good and some are not. My anxiety feels like a snowball. It starts small and then increases the more I worry and the more I dwell on something. It makes my heart race and it’s like a roller coaster I can’t get off of.
23. Christina Anxiety [is] loss of control. Panic. Erratic breathing. Rarely an extreme attack like they make it seem in movies. More of a subconscious daily wind that blows when it wants to. Sometimes I'm fine and don't even realize it, then I'll be anxious, jittery, panicky, and yawning a lot - and don't even realize it. And yes, you read that right. Yawning a lot! Haha When my breathing changes for some reason, I always start yawning frequently!
24. Amber Heaviness and the need for a quiet space to organize my thoughts and find a way to try again.
25. Myranda Depression to me is feeling like you are drowning but can still breathe. You move but get nowhere. You look but can’t see anything. There is so much pressure and weight it feels like the whole world is caving in right on top of you. If you try to hold it off, it forces itself and becomes harder until you become defeated. Nothing seems fun, even favorite hobbies. When you are with friends, it is hard to laugh with them, even on jokes you normally laugh at. Things become dull and grey.
26. Amanda Wanting to sleep all the time.
27. Toneshia For me, anxiety was an overwhelming gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. It made me nauseous; it made me want to scream; it made me want to cry; it made me want to have someone else’s life because I felt it couldn’t get any worse than the situation I was in.
28. Lawson To me, anxiety is a constant worry that makes me fixate on my worst flaws. No matter how well I’m succeeding or thriving, anxiety is the voice inside my head that creeps up and tells me things like I’m not doing good enough at work. I’m going to be single and alone forever. People don’t really like me. While, I’m sure none of these are true, anxiety leads you to expect the worst.
29. Kelvin Whenever I experience anxiety, it can be dizzying. Coming from an artist background, at one moment I find myself to be very confident in my work. The next, I think it to be absolute trash. Hell, I even get it while writing this to the smallest degree! But the best thing I can do in these situations is use my anxiety as a way of motivation. I try to think, in those brief moments of clarity, “Why am I experiencing these feelings?” As for depression, that is a whole other beast. As I write this, I wonder if depression is a side effect or the cause of my anxieties. The world may never know. To humanize depression a little bit, it’s like that one friend that has overstayed his welcome. Like at first you were cool with him being over, but now it’s time to go. Only you just can’t seem to get rid of him. Almost to the point where I ask myself, do I embrace this “friend” or continue to neglect it? Are either of those choices the right thing to do? I dunno.
30. Hannah My brain has been hard-wired towards anxiety since I was a toddler so it really wasn’t until adulthood that I even realized that was what I was experiencing . My anxiety originated from my parents divorce when I was three. Having divorced parents at such a young age led to a lot of attachment issues, emotional abuse, etc. After I graduated college and no longer had schoolwork consuming my time, I began to experience bouts of depression along with heightened anxiety. I felt uninterested in everything - all I wanted to do was isolate myself and sleep. The worst part was that I didn’t know why I was feeling like this, it just crept up on me seemingly out of nowhere. When I was hanging out with Kevin (now my husband) or friends, I constantly watched the clock because I was upset about something I enjoyed ending. I felt like I was always “running out of time.” The kicker is that feeling anxious about time passing often led to panic attacks which only took away more of the time I could have spent enjoying life. It felt like a constant weight on my spirit - and I felt guilty for even feeling like this because “I have a good life and should be grateful.” I also started to experience more social anxiety and would feel a sense of danger going into social situations. It wasn’t a fear based in logic. It was just there. I eventually became so exhausted with everything that I would just sleep so that I could escape my brain. I had zero willpower to do ANYTHING. Luckily, I eventually sought help through a Christian counselor and it changed everything for me. She equipped me with the tools to heal mentally and emotionally, and she also helped me to start picking up my Bible again (something my depression made nearly impossible). I still struggle with feelings of fear, lack of motivation and fatigue, but it’s NOTHING like it was before. I think the biggest takeaway I’ve had from my life is that my brain had been so wounded for so long that I physically couldn’t "will myself” out of it. Anxiety is like breathing for me. I had to see a professional to literally rewire my brain. And it’s okay to need that kind of help.
31. Sarah Eliza Bell* I was in a state of anxiety and depression nearly all my life. It was my normal and because of that, I honestly had no idea I was dealing with it until I became more aware of what was normal and what wasn’t. I was taken from my parents at 3 years old by the state. I was in strange foster homes briefly before my maternal grandmother became my foster parent. Being born into trauma and then repeatedly dealing with various trauma throughout my life (losing father figures, being made fun of at school, being raised by a depressed/distant/angry grandparent, etc.) worsened the mental illness I was already dealing with due to my genetics. I struggled with cutting myself in middle school and attempted suicide in high school. Out of a desire to be liked and accepted, I learned how to hide the pain and depression I was feeling and use the anxiety to push me towards “greatness”. I often did my best work under pressure with high anxiety so I bought into the lie that it was normal and okay. In college, I was fighting demons that I wasn’t brave enough to share with anyone. I needed to appear successful, driven, focused and determined because I was the first woman in my family to get her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. I also thought no one would want to be around me if I was a downer so I had to keep things fun and interesting. The problem with hiding my depression is it finds ways to come out and those ways are never healthy. And the problem with utilizing anxiety to fuel you is you become very burnt out, always running on fumes and it took a toll on my body. In the fall of 2018, I spoke to my general practitioner about how inaccessible therapy is. All my life I never saw a therapist and honestly, I should have. When I finally was in a place to look for one, I realized that even with my insurance and full time job, I couldn’t afford it. I sat there in my GP’s office crying. I told her I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I understood why people did. It’s so hard for those who need help to be able to get it. She wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant and it changed my world. Up until that point I was always against taking medication, but for me it was the best thing to happen. All the depression and demons I was fighting on the inside began to fade further into the background. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but they are way more manageable and my horrible days are totally less frequent.
*Sarah is the creator and host of "Her Stori Podcast," a platform for women to share their stories with the hope of inspiring others. Available on Apple and Spotify.
32. Emily Anxiety for me feels like being restless and not being able to think straight. Almost like being on a high-speed roller coaster and not being able to stop or slow down. Depression for me feels like being sucked into a dark, black hole while desperately trying to crawl out. It is dreading even the smallest of tasks that seem too big and impossible. Depression for me feels hopeless, a deep ache and sadness that affects my mind and body.
33. Natalie
“Shitty” is the first adjective that comes to mind. “Messy” is a close second. It felt horrible to have no desire to text my friends back or to dread family events because I had no emotional, mental or physical energy to help me engage with others. The thought of carrying out basic essential tasks like putting gas in my car, doing laundry or showering were often so overwhelming I would burst into tears and spend hours or days working myself up to doing them. I never felt shame in the sense that I was afraid to tell someone I was depressed, but I felt shame in knowing that I was depressed and couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I knew my life had been relatively easy. I knew I was incredibly privileged and fortunate. But counting my blessings did nothing to help my depression go away. In fact, it kind of made me retreat further into myself. Couple all of that with an unrelenting, vague sense of doom that surrounded every aspect of my life and that pretty much sums up how it felt during the worst of it. “Informative” is the third word that springs to mind which is quickly followed with “relentless.” Living with depression and anxiety isn’t fun or sexy or exotic despite how it’s been portrayed in books and films. People don’t just decide to be depressed and it’s certainly not a ploy for attention. It’s also not something to feel ashamed of for having. Choosing to live with depression and anxiety takes a conscious effort because it is far too easy to act upon the thought that things would be easier and better if life would simply come to an end. I learned the most about myself and about the world when I was having to choose to live. I learned what triggered certain anxiety-fueled episodes and what could be done to reduce them. I discovered podcasts like The Guilty Feminist and Made of Human and Why Won’t You Date Me? that provided insight into topics ranging from world news and global humanitarian efforts to the complexities and insanity of managing relationships in the modern world. They served as a reminder that I wasn’t alone in thinking and feeling the way I did and they focused my attention on bigger issues than my own. Telling my friends and family about what I was going through and specifically how they could help took a lot of effort, but it was crucial because it meant that my support network knew how to help and when to keep pushing. It took a long time to get to a functional point again and I still have to work at managing my anxiety and depression (and there are days when it doesn’t feel worth the effort); but making the effort to talk to people about where I was mentally and finding constructive distractions and interests made a huge difference.
34. Steve It feels like I’m lost in a worldly vice with things closing in. Anxiety is the same but the scariest ever.
35. Andrew Sad and tired all the time. And constantly wondering what people think of me.
36. Lauren Gruich* Those who struggle with depression know that no two are the same. It’s like we are a shade of blue but also very different hues. My hue is like that of the ocean that’s found a mile below the surface where light can still barely reach, but it’s just a faint, fading glow. My depression comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s just a little breeze, And other times a hurricane. Sometimes it may last a day, And other times it lasts for months. No rhyme. No reason. No explanation. No warning. No mercy. Mine is mysterious. It can push and pull me like a schoolyard bully, Or follow like a quiet shadow. It can fall soft like snow, Or hard like hail. It can come over me like a sudden rainstorm, Or a roaring avalanche. My depression is like a mirror. Often like you see in carnivals, distorted and warped. I know they aren’t reliable. They don’t reflect the real me. They reflect someone I hardly recognize, every insecurity, shame, guilt and fear staring mockingly back at me. But I still look in hopes to catch a glimpse of what’s real. There are rare moments where after some time, however long or short the season may last, I’ll notice something has shifted. Things aren’t so sad. Things aren’t so bad. And I catch that glimpse of something that resembles what’s real. Like looking into a mirror covered in steam after a hot shower. It may be a little blurry, but it’s the closest I’ve come to recognizing myself in a very long time, even if it isn’t clear. Depression is not just a sadness. It’s feeling empty, worthless and unimportant. I want to expose it and hide it all at the same time. It’s a constant weight of feeling isolated in every way possible. It’s feeling everything and nothing all at once. It’s heavy. It hurts. It’s invasive. It's deep and it’s dark. It’s resentment towards a spring morning when the sun is shining and birds are singing. All is joyful except me. It’s anger and frustration towards myself because I’m not strong enough to “snap out of it." It’s the heartbreak of knowing it affects those I love which only sinks me deeper. It’s a desire to live but being content if tomorrow just didn’t come. Depression comes and goes, ebbs and flows. I may find reprieve as it ebbs back into the depths of my ocean, but I know it will be back. I face it one day at a time and approach it one step at a time and pray that when the wave does return, I have the strength to tread water long enough until it goes back in the ocean again. And I pray that I can embrace its absence, the seasons of sanity and peace where I can find joy in the sunlight and see myself clearly in that once foggy mirror.
*full name given for artist credit
37. Logan Anxiety feels like, you know, that moment when your chair leans back and almost falls.
38. Kelsey Anxiety comes to me in the form of being overstimulated or overwhelmed. Receiving too much information (facts, sensory input, etc.) at once without having time to sort it out. People being inconsiderate or oblivious to their surroundings and making it awkward for others also triggers it. I could not get out of the car the other day at Lowe’s just because of how crowded the parking lot was.
39. Caitlyn Scaggs* Mine is not a "season" per se, but I can speak to fighting low level anxiety and that for me is consuming thoughts that are often not based in truth. They reflect a story I am telling with added meaning. Or it's anxiety over being over busy and way too in demand to keep up.
*Caitlyn is a fellow lifestyle blogger. Read more of her inspiring wisdom by visiting www.caitlynscaggs.com.
40. JaQuayla Anxiety for me is usually something I have a hard time describing. It's feeling like I have no control so trying to make sense of it is always hard and frustrating which in turn makes me depressed because I can't fix it. I just always have this thing about "fixing things" like I'm responsible and if it can't be fixed then something is wrong with me.
41. Josh I was always told that I was pessimistic and that I should pay more attention to the positive in the world. But for me that was never as simple as people made it out to be. Depression/anxiety to me feels as if you start every morning behind the 8-ball. Some days are better. Others are harder. For me, there's really no trigger that makes one day worse than another when it comes to depression. I think that's a big myth -- that if you can fix your mindset, you can cure mental illness. I feel as if it's constantly something I work on, constantly something that I'll have to deal with on a daily basis. There is no cure. I always looked at other people and saw how easy it was for them to be happy. I wanted that but could never achieve it. I think once people accept that mental illness is okay and normal, they'll find that depression doesn't prevent you from living a meaningful and impactful life. It just makes some days a little tougher.
42. Alaina Depression: I wake up sad. Just bummed out. And literally EVERYTHING angers me. Broke a pencil? "Do you know where the sharpener is?! What the hell? How can you break a PENCIL?!" Then after I go off about something so stupid, I realize I did something stupid and think, Omg, I need to fix this now. I'm so sorry. I try to do something to make it better and I'm bummed out again. All day. Anxiety: I'll be going about my day normally and then suddenly my heart is like "YOU'RE RUNNING" and I'm just sitting in bed. Then I feel like puking and can't stand up. Then I just stop breathing and can't breathe even once I realized I've stopped. A lot of times, I just pass out. Only sometimes do I think of one thing and it grows to something bigger that I need to panic about. Like, I put the baby down for a nap. What if I stop breathing and pass out and can't help him if needed? And what if he brought something to bed and choked on it and THAT’S why he's quiet? Not because he's asleep? And yeah... that's my anxiety.
43. Katherine Depression to me is like a dark cloud that moves over the sun, blocking its rays from shining down. It’s that black hooded figure that sucks the joy out of your soul. It leaves you feeling frightened and hopeless, like you’re never going to be truly happy again. Depression takes away the cheerleaders in your mind and leaves you with nothing but the bullies. Depression is best friends with three other moods: anxiety, stress and bipolar. Together, they will rob you of any good day you hoped you would have. They get in between relationships and sometimes destroy them completely. Depression keeps you up at night and makes sure that you never have a good night’s sleep. By morning, it straps you to your bed and makes you never want to leave. Depression leaves you feeling powerless over controlling your own thoughts. Depression is painful. Depression is heavy. It weakens its prey. Depression makes you feel like you’re all alone. Depression makes you feel broken.
44. Kathy [It's like] a big decadent slice of yellow cake with chocolate frosting!! I’ve always struggled with weight ever since my kids were born. Up and down. Up and down. When I’m sad about this, my cravings go up. If I make this cake, I’m always tempted to eat the whole thing and I always eat more than I should. I know it is wrong and my head says don’t eat it! But when I am depressed, it brings me joy. Only the joy is fleeting. After all these years, you would think I would remember that ten minutes later I always feel guilty and depressed again. I’ve learned that long lasting joy for me is trusting my Lord and Savior, Jesus. His Word reminds me that His mercies are new every morning. So, every morning I ask myself who will I listen to? The deceiver or the redeemer? Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God.” I can choose to be filled with the joy God has given me. Even though I feel sad, God is there with me. He means more to me than yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
*edited from original post for clarification
45. Victoria In my short 26 years of life, I’ve seen anxiety take root in so many ways and in so many people. It really is different for everyone. Different triggers, different reactions and different scenarios. Trying to figure it out from one person to the next feels impossible. For me, anxiety is an all consuming force when I feel a loss of control. My entire being is effected. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Isn’t it weird how anxiety stems from a loss of control and thus moves into that space and takes over? I trade control for something else to have control. This is where my relationship with God comes into play. When I gave my heart to Him, I gave him control of my life! This is a daily practice. It’s comforting to know when I release control of my life, it’s in the hands of the One who is in control. It’s not always easy, but it's worth it! I don’t have to carry the weight of making sure everything plays out the way it should. That’s the paradox! When control seems lost, I loosen my grip even more. Never is it a perfect release and I don’t always feel free from anxiety, but I can rest in that truth!
46. Sarah I struggle with depression which can drive my anxiety. I would describe my depression and anxiety as low-functioning. When I get into a low point, I generally can't get anything done. I feel I have no energy or focus. I have a shorter temper, I play less with my kids and cleaning takes twice as long as it normally would. I'm a very unorganized person to begin with so if I get behind on cleaning then I become overwhelmed and it will drive me further into depression and anxiety. If not kept in check, I can get to low points just from seeing my lack of involvement with my kids and my wreck of a house. That starts a cycle of self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. Outside of these moments, I know that I just need to use the self-care techniques I've learned over the years to help break the cycle, but in those low moments, all I can see is that I'm failing as a parent, spouse and productive citizen; and that "doing my best" is not enough anymore. I don't deserve a "break" when I've not done a good job to begin with. I'm thankful to God for my supportive husband and friends who help keep me grounded; and how He has shown me over the years that keeping my triggers in check can help keep the low points less frequent.
47. Maria Depression and anxiety to me are like an overwhelming feeling in my throat. When I noticed my depression, I was a completely different person. I didn’t want to go out of the house (I’m a very social person) and I was scared of everything. It took countless therapy appointments and meditation with mindfulness to get my depression under control. My anxiety affects me the most. If I don’t get enough sleep or am stressed out, I get irritable and on edge. I lash out on my family who don't deserve it and that’s how I know I need my medicine. I’m four months into treatment for my depression and anxiety and have had great success with it! As a nurse, I never ever thought I would be someone going to a psychiatrist and psychologist, but I’ve come to realize that it’s incredibly important to get help when I need it and to not wait to ask for it because I’m too ashamed. There’s no shame in having mental health problems. I’m a proud depression and anxiety warrior.
48. Jen Last fall, I had my worst panic attack ever when the work demand was unrealistic and I felt that no one cared about me or wanted to offer a helping hand. Sometimes, I worry I set myself up to have these issues by accepting a bureau reporter position for my station. I found I get depressed and most anxious when I am alone and isolated. Starting my new job as a bureau reporter looked (and still looks) a lot like that. I have always been a social person, the one to organize group get-togethers and am constantly a hostess at my home. Unfortunately, being 50 minutes from work, many times I go weeks or months without seeing my coworkers. And the current stay-at-home order because of COVID-19 has made it that much harder to see them. Fortunately, I have finally made friends locally who help to make that isolation seem much less. Times still get tough, but it’s not like it was a year ago when I moved here. I’m blessed to be only four hours from my family now so I can go home and see them more often than I could before.
49. David My name is David DeGuzman. I'm a sports anchor and reporter in Virginia and I suffer from anxiety. I started taking medication for anxiety nearly a year ago after a really bad panic attack. In my life, I've had about three or four notable episodes that all have similar symptoms. The two warning signs for me have always been tingling arms and heightened heart rate. For a while, I would have these panic attacks but not realize that they were related to anxiety at all. Originally, I thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke which would only increase my anxiety. There's a variety of factors that would trigger an episode, including dehydration, lack of food or sleep and stressful situations. I'd like to think I'm pretty self-aware so I can identify a number of causes for my anxiety. Usually, it's stuff that's outside of my control, whether that's relationships, dating, financial burdens or work-related stresses. But it's how my body deals with anxiety that seems to be the issue and the reason why I needed to seek help. In a weird twist of fate, I was ironically lucky that I have a best friend who also deals with anxiety. We both had panic attacks around the same time so we were able to identify the issue. Now that I know I have anxiety, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's easier to talk about it and help others. I've learned to manage my anxiety with tools like mediation, journaling, as well as getting good sleep and making sure I stick to a good diet. But anxiety still finds a way to show up when you least expect it. It's about being prepared to deal with it. Hopefully, my story can help others. I'm blessed to work in broadcast journalism and to have a platform to tell stories similar to my own. This is just the beginning and we all need to do our part to continue the conversation and make more resources available to those who need it.
50. Maya Paige* Depression and anxiety come with their own cues. Depression is heavy, like a weight pressing down on my heart. Anxiety is breathtaking, making my head dizzy. Both trigger anger in me that eventually overpowers sadness. Parts of me believe I welcomed depression, who invited anxiety. Both pulled up in the ugliest imaginary 1973 Volkswagen Passat about 11 years ago and rarely do they go on holiday. Though I've discovered a way to coexist with them, moments still arise where personal pep talks fail and I'm on the brink of tears because sometimes I can't stay home on my worst days to hide away from the world in order to reboot my confidence. I conjure imaginary judgment, get quieter, my laugh becomes heartless and the absolute last thing I want to do is be around people I feel bad not talking to. Thankfully, those bad days aren't as frequent as they once were and forcing myself to interact with others is becoming easier on those days. Depression and anxiety aren't going anywhere. I don't think anyone can ever truly escape them as pessimistic as that sounds. But the bad days don't last as long as they used to anymore. Its power fades even if it'll never truly disappears.
* Maya shares more of her journey with mental health on her blog, "Epailogue."
Wow. If you're still reading this, 1) THANK YOU! And 2) what is going through your mind? Is it spinning? Because mine is!
I spent nearly the entire month of May collecting these answers. Some people I messaged directly because I knew depression and anxiety were things they experienced. Others messaged me privately when they saw my request for stories on Facebook or Instagram. Some of them took me completely by surprise because I either didn’t know they were even still friends with me on social media or because I never would have thought this would be something they struggle with too.
I set out on this blogging journey to show people the differences anxiety and depression can have on people’s lives. And while, yes, everyone’s answer was unique in their own ways, there were so many similarities too!
Darkness, drowning, suffocation, tiredness, guilt, fear, constant worry, loneliness…. My friends have suffered for so many different reasons. Some I know about like divorce, miscarriage, sexual assault, abuse and eating disorders. Other people’s stories I found out through this process while others hold their stories closer to their chest.
Originally, I wanted to show people how different we all are, but in many ways I think I stumbled upon the opposite. We have so much in common with people, but we get caught up in our own stories that we don’t see what’s happening in someone else’s life. We tell ourselves, No one can understand what I’m going through. And yet here are 50 people, most of whom don’t know each other, who probably know exactly what the other is going through.
Depression, anxiety and other mental illness issues can all be a very scary chapter for us to walk through or sometimes live with us forever. They can make us feel so isolated and alone, but if this article has taught you anything, I hope it’s made you realize what a lie from the Devil himself that is. You are not alone. There are people out there who will be able to relate to what you’re going through. And most importantly, there are people out there who want to help.
I also want to say one more thing. The stories you read are excerpts of my friends’ lives. Some of them are the darkest, innermost thoughts of themselves that are the hardest to acknowledge. My friends here were incredibly brave to not only let me into this sacred space of their minds but to also share that vulnerability with all of you.
And so I think it’s important to add that the depression and the anxiety my friends shared is not their defining attribute. It does not make them who they are; it does not make them any less awesome. My friends are SMART. And TALENTED. They are out there in the world, making the world a better place. They are journalists, filmmakers, doctors, first responders, photographers, fashion designers, moms, dads, military personnel, businessmen and women, and artists. And to each of them I just want to say THANK YOU. I literally couldn’t have done this without you.
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